Posted 15 April 2003 - 10:31 AM

I think each birthparent deals with Relinquishment different. For me, both days were different. I didn't want to detract from Amanda's story so I decided to post this under my Midnight Diary, (mostly because it is midnight)With the triplets, We got out of the hospital on a Monday, we went to the Fisher House (on post Ronald McDonald House). I helped feed the babies etc. Then I went with my producer (from Hallmark) to a nearby hotel for the night, I however didn't sleep all night.In the morning, the AP's picked me up and we headed off to Abrazo. actually we went to a lawyers first. I walked in to his office, he said ,"OK, I know this is a hard day on you so I won't make it any harder, you know what you are doing? you know I can go out there and tell them you change your mind? Are you sure you want to do this?" Then I followed him out of his office and into a huge conference room. I had to sign 12 papers (4 for each baby). My two witnesses were to cold looking, stale secretaries and a notary, I think someone from Abrazo was there but I don't remember who, it was kinda blur (I remember thinking the secretaries thought I was wasteing their time). And Angela (our producer was there) So I was signing this paperwork, it just became habitous. I would almost start to cry, then I would see Angela with the camera and I would stop myself. We finally finished there, then we had to go to Abrazo, so I rode with the AP's. When we got there, they had forgot something back on base, so one went back to get it and the other and Angela went to Target to get formula, so I got to stay at Abrazo with the babies. When everyone finally returned as they (the AP's) were signing the Placement agreement, I was on Abrazo's couch with the triplets on top of me sleeping. I wanted to cry, but yet again Angela was there with the Camera. So I couldn't. Finally, they had finished the paperwork. I came down the hall with all three babies in my arms, I handed them all to LIsa )the AM, and said something like, here's your babies....all the Abrazo gals were crying so of course LIsa and I cried too, and yes, this moment of me crying was caught by Angela and is on the Hallmark tape. So then, I said a quick goodbye and Angela took me to the bus station. I remember thinking, all I wanted to do was go home. Because my Mom was home. I slept almost all the way to Denver. And it was good to be home.Fiona's placement took a lot out of me too. But was totally different. As I have said before I had her at my house for the first four days of her life. (which was the best!! So I flew down to California on Sunday, when the plane landed I was crying so hard that I had to sit down for a minute to try and regain my composure. Fiona woke up, and as I carried her towards baggage claim every step my feet got heavier. I looked down the corridor and I saw Jennifer and Kevin waiting. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and Jennifer started crying too. We hugged then I handed Fiona to her. We looked at her for a few minutes then. We went to baggage claim. I told them all about our trip (she was an Angel) Then we drove to their house. We were there a couple hours, chit chatting about this and that. Then the triplets and AP's showed up. I almost broke down and cried at the dinner table when all the AP's had a toast to me, the woman who gave them their children. We had a blast playing. Then when they were getting ready to leave, Jennifer was upstairs chaging Fiona, I saw Lisa go up there so I followed, when I got up there they were both crying (I think for Joy) I tried to duck out of the way, but they saw me and we all three spent a moment hugging and crying.The Next Day I went to the Adoption Agency we used in California (they also did the CA side of the triplets adoption, I had the same adoption agent). She went over the paperwork with me that I would be signing the next day. Then Karen (my adoption agent) took me to lunch, we talked, and I even started crying in the restuarant a couple times. We then went back Kevin picked me up and we went home. That evening we took Fiona to the doctors. The Doctor was really suprised she was having breastmilk. But said it was the best thing. Then we went home. Jennifer's sister stopped by with her kids too.Then Tuesday was R-day. We went to the agency, I had to go in the room bymyself, Karen was there, she made it fairly easy on me. Then she brought the two witnesses in. After I signed I asked if I could hold Fiona by myself for a bit. So Karen brought her to me and left the room. For the entire 15 min alone I had with her, I told her I was sorry that I couldn't keep her, and that I had choosen GREAT parents for her, and that I would always love and cherish her. and I cried. Karen came in after 15 minutes, we talked some more, and I cried some more. Then I took her back out to Kevin and Jennifer, and we went home. That night Kevin and Jennifers best friends came over. The brought presents for Fiona, Kevin, Jennifer and ME!! I felt so included. It was great!But everytime I would hold Fiona I would start to Cry, but I tried not to let Kevin and Jennifer see. Wednesday night, when I knew I was leaving the next day was the hardest. I know they could tell I was crying. But after I finished law and order I went upstairs, I heard Jennifer feeding Fiona in the nursury, so I went in it was dark, Jennifer knew I was crying then, she said, "I don't understand how something that brings me so much joy, can bring you so much pain". I told her, I was happy that Fiona had such great parents, so that made the pain a bit easier, we hugged with Fiona in the middle, and talked a little more. I then went to my room and cried myself to sleep. It's been rough, but I am making it. I really am. I made her baby blanket tonight :-) and I am very proud of it. And I am working on her Birthparent book of memories.I look forward to Sundays when i hear how she is doing.But I look even more forward to seeing all my kids again.-Angel