Posted 19 April 2003 - 09:54 AM

Tonight, is another one of "those nights" A night that follows a perfectly good day, but yet I cry myself to sleep. I am visiting friends(who have a 3 year old little girl they adopted). I was putting Kayla to bed tonight, I told her she could pick out two stories. The first one was about a Momma Kangaroo who was sad because of her empty pouch, and one day a baby blue bird fell into it and she thanked God for sending her the baby for her pouch. (I cried a tiny bit at the end of this one) Then was a wiggley bug book, being that these two books were relatively short and her mom was still on the phone, I told her she could pick out one more story. Of all the books she could have picked, she picked out "tell me again about the night I was born". For those of you who haven't heard of this book, it is like the AP's are telling the little girl how everything happened the night she was born. When she handed me the book, I hadn't even opened it and I just started crying. Kayla looked at me funny, I told her that I missed Fiona. I read the book but cried the whole thing. I put her in bed, came down to get her water. Trudy (my friend) had just gotten off the phone, all I could do for about 5 minutes was cry while Trudy and I hugged. And now, it is all I can do to keep from crying.Also, yesterday when Kayla was going down for a nap, she was saying her prayers and she asked God to bless Fiona and the people she was staying with and to bring her back to me soon. (she saw me many times when I was pregnant, and then she came and stayed with me when I had Fiona home). I try to explain that she lives with her Mommy and Daddy. Trudy and I try to explain adoption to her. Sometimes she remembers, but Fiona and adoption don't mix with her.It just makes me realize how much I REALLY LOVE Fiona!! Today she is three weeks old. (the triplets got out of the hospital on their three week b-day). Even though I am here with friends, it makes my days go by easier. But the nights, I still feel VERY alone. I work on her Birthparent Book of Memories every night before I go to bed. That helps. Then I just cry myself into a fitfull sleep.I can't believe how real all this is sinking in. But I am glad that it is now, rather than last year when I was so far away from Home (Korea). But will it be ok by the time I have to go overseas again? I hope so.Tonight, the moon was so big and so bright, and the sky was clear I was looking at the stars, it reminded me of the song from "american tale" the song called, Somewhere out Therethe part that says: and even when I think how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star!!That does help me feel a little closer to her. (and the fact we are in the same time zone.)That baby blanket I just made for her, is kinda my way saying to her when she uses it. That I am right there with you, keeping you warm, and I love you!Well, until another midnight-Angel

Posted 15 April 2003 - 10:31 AM

I think each birthparent deals with Relinquishment different. For me, both days were different. I didn't want to detract from Amanda's story so I decided to post this under my Midnight Diary, (mostly because it is midnight)With the triplets, We got out of the hospital on a Monday, we went to the Fisher House (on post Ronald McDonald House). I helped feed the babies etc. Then I went with my producer (from Hallmark) to a nearby hotel for the night, I however didn't sleep all night.In the morning, the AP's picked me up and we headed off to Abrazo. actually we went to a lawyers first. I walked in to his office, he said ,"OK, I know this is a hard day on you so I won't make it any harder, you know what you are doing? you know I can go out there and tell them you change your mind? Are you sure you want to do this?" Then I followed him out of his office and into a huge conference room. I had to sign 12 papers (4 for each baby). My two witnesses were to cold looking, stale secretaries and a notary, I think someone from Abrazo was there but I don't remember who, it was kinda blur (I remember thinking the secretaries thought I was wasteing their time). And Angela (our producer was there) So I was signing this paperwork, it just became habitous. I would almost start to cry, then I would see Angela with the camera and I would stop myself. We finally finished there, then we had to go to Abrazo, so I rode with the AP's. When we got there, they had forgot something back on base, so one went back to get it and the other and Angela went to Target to get formula, so I got to stay at Abrazo with the babies. When everyone finally returned as they (the AP's) were signing the Placement agreement, I was on Abrazo's couch with the triplets on top of me sleeping. I wanted to cry, but yet again Angela was there with the Camera. So I couldn't. Finally, they had finished the paperwork. I came down the hall with all three babies in my arms, I handed them all to LIsa )the AM, and said something like, here's your babies....all the Abrazo gals were crying so of course LIsa and I cried too, and yes, this moment of me crying was caught by Angela and is on the Hallmark tape. So then, I said a quick goodbye and Angela took me to the bus station. I remember thinking, all I wanted to do was go home. Because my Mom was home. I slept almost all the way to Denver. And it was good to be home.Fiona's placement took a lot out of me too. But was totally different. As I have said before I had her at my house for the first four days of her life. (which was the best!! So I flew down to California on Sunday, when the plane landed I was crying so hard that I had to sit down for a minute to try and regain my composure. Fiona woke up, and as I carried her towards baggage claim every step my feet got heavier. I looked down the corridor and I saw Jennifer and Kevin waiting. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and Jennifer started crying too. We hugged then I handed Fiona to her. We looked at her for a few minutes then. We went to baggage claim. I told them all about our trip (she was an Angel) Then we drove to their house. We were there a couple hours, chit chatting about this and that. Then the triplets and AP's showed up. I almost broke down and cried at the dinner table when all the AP's had a toast to me, the woman who gave them their children. We had a blast playing. Then when they were getting ready to leave, Jennifer was upstairs chaging Fiona, I saw Lisa go up there so I followed, when I got up there they were both crying (I think for Joy) I tried to duck out of the way, but they saw me and we all three spent a moment hugging and crying.The Next Day I went to the Adoption Agency we used in California (they also did the CA side of the triplets adoption, I had the same adoption agent). She went over the paperwork with me that I would be signing the next day. Then Karen (my adoption agent) took me to lunch, we talked, and I even started crying in the restuarant a couple times. We then went back Kevin picked me up and we went home. That evening we took Fiona to the doctors. The Doctor was really suprised she was having breastmilk. But said it was the best thing. Then we went home. Jennifer's sister stopped by with her kids too.Then Tuesday was R-day. We went to the agency, I had to go in the room bymyself, Karen was there, she made it fairly easy on me. Then she brought the two witnesses in. After I signed I asked if I could hold Fiona by myself for a bit. So Karen brought her to me and left the room. For the entire 15 min alone I had with her, I told her I was sorry that I couldn't keep her, and that I had choosen GREAT parents for her, and that I would always love and cherish her. and I cried. Karen came in after 15 minutes, we talked some more, and I cried some more. Then I took her back out to Kevin and Jennifer, and we went home. That night Kevin and Jennifers best friends came over. The brought presents for Fiona, Kevin, Jennifer and ME!! I felt so included. It was great!But everytime I would hold Fiona I would start to Cry, but I tried not to let Kevin and Jennifer see. Wednesday night, when I knew I was leaving the next day was the hardest. I know they could tell I was crying. But after I finished law and order I went upstairs, I heard Jennifer feeding Fiona in the nursury, so I went in it was dark, Jennifer knew I was crying then, she said, "I don't understand how something that brings me so much joy, can bring you so much pain". I told her, I was happy that Fiona had such great parents, so that made the pain a bit easier, we hugged with Fiona in the middle, and talked a little more. I then went to my room and cried myself to sleep. It's been rough, but I am making it. I really am. I made her baby blanket tonight :-) and I am very proud of it. And I am working on her Birthparent book of memories.I look forward to Sundays when i hear how she is doing.But I look even more forward to seeing all my kids again.-Angel

Posted 13 April 2003 - 12:37 PM

Fiona, my precious Fiona,How could something so tiny teach me so much?? She taught me what it is to truley trust someone, (placing her). To make the ultimate sacrifice in the name of Love. She has taught me how to be strong through the pain, but to let it out. She has taught me to let my guard down, and to let others help me up. She taught me to feel emotions, not just play them. To show emotion, not hide it. She taught me that I am never lonely, there is always someone there. She taught me to be me, no matter what. She taught me what it is to be "grown up" because I was forever a child. and most importantly, She taught me how to be happy. Before her I was a wreck, emotionally, socially etc. But now, I feel I can say no, I can cry with no regrets, I can express myself the way I need to.I can honestly say that for the first time in as long as I can remember, I am truley happy with me. I am not happy because I am with a really cute guy (I am single), I am not happy because I am popular, I am not happy for anyother reason, except that I am proud to be where I am at. There is nothing in my life at this moment to be ashamed of. I am happy because there is nothing to hide.So thank you my precious, Precious Fiona. I will forever love you.-Angel

First off

Ok so first off I want to say that I have cut and pasted from the Abrazo forum because not everyone can read what I wrote there, but that What I am cutting and pasting were all my own words/postings of the past.